How do you stay resilient in hard times?
I’ve just been reading Caitlin Moran’s How to be Hopeful and in it she gives some very good, practical advice on how to cope. I’ve taken most of it on board, but here are the things I’m trying to do on a daily basis.
- Be outside -sometimes I can walk a little but often I can’t due to a cocktail of problems that are neurological, rheumatological and structural. However, even if I can’t walk I make sure I sit outside even if it’s just for the duration of a mug of tea. I now have my pergola, built by my husband so I can sit even if it’s raining. The fresh air helps and sometimes we take a 45 minute drive to the coast, throw the ball for the dog and have fish and chips in the paper.
- Don’t Argue On Social Media – this is a failing of mine, even though I know that it’s futile and it slowly builds up an algorithm of things you hate. I want to get involved in online activism for many issues, but mainly want us to be more tolerant with others and that isn’t achieved by screaming ‘YOU’RE AN IDIOT’ to either a stranger or a bot, neither of whom care. You will seldom change the mind of someone entrenched in their anti-immigration, transphobic, racist, sexist or ableist views. Also if you are arguing with an idiot which of you is the most stupid? I’ve stayed away for a week now. I came close over Kemi Badenoch’s stupid statement that amputees run marathons so why are all these people on disability benefits? I typed three words and deleted it again.
- Less Screen Time – Being a blogger can feel like a full time job, especially book blogging where photographs and reels gain the most traction. But I’m whittling screen time down by sharing what I have to share and coming out, then if I have time to browse narrowing to publishers and bloggers, comedy and animal videos. I’m writing more and reading real books instead of through Kindle where possible.
- Watching Less News – until Trump and Farage leave politics this is a must.
- Doing something practical for a good cause. Caitlin Moran recommended finding a petition, a march, a fundraiser to deal with the issues that bother us most. Sometimes that’s volunteering at a homeless outreach in my husband’s case but at the moment I’m collecting things for their Christmas gift bags and I supply them with a steady stream of old proofs that have proved popular. I write to MPs and local councillors where necessary too. Doing something actively gets rid of that despairing feeling that you’re powerless.
Other than Caitlin’s suggestions I meditate daily, I listen to music, I read real books and poetry, I make sure I have something to look forward to and I watch box sets or films at the cinema. I upcycle clothing using embroidery, beading and appliqué, I create visual and written journals and I colour. All of this seems to keep me on an even keel. The most important two are the journaling and meditation,
Other Books That Keep Me Going
When my brain is feeling overloaded and I’m struggling to concentrate on a novel I keep books by the bed that I can easily dip in and out of, like diaries. The latest favourites are the bookshop diaries written by Shaun Bythell about life in The Bookshop at Wigtown in Dumfries and Gallery. We recently visited and I always pick up the latest one. I first came across Wigtown through Jessica Fox’s Book Three Things You Need To Know About Rockets, another enjoyable memoir about her summer working at the shop for the Wigtown Book Festival. Her book made me want to visit the area and we now have the perfect farm to spend time on a couple of times a year. Shaun’s diaries have a rather world weary air about them. I find his sense of humour and deadpan delivery of incidents in the ship very funny. I often read the best ones out at night to my husband, who felt very privileged to sit in the bookshop cat Captain’s chair on our recent visit. Although, he might rather have known about his troublesome anal glands first. We all think we’d love to run a bookshop and I recommend reading Shaun’s diaries first to appreciate the eccentricities of customers, the belief of all book collectors that their collection has taste and value and the need for middle aged men to wear underwear with their shorts in the summer. I think it’s best to know you will also be dealing with the idiosyncrasies of the building as he does spend a lot of time hanging out of upstairs windows with someone holding on to his feet, in order to clear gutters and prevent water coming in. Wigtown seems to attract the most interesting ‘blow-ins’ from every party of the world, it’s also home to The Vegetable Bomber! These never fail to lift my spirits.
I also love to re-read Bridget Jones’s Diary, the hilarious Adrian Mole series and writings by Alan Bennett and Kenneth Williams.
I discovered Brené Brown’s work years ago when I was researching the psychology of recovery and I find her so inspiring with her mix of psychological research and the way she can write about emotions in a clear and down to earth way. I’ve used her work for recovery writing and for myself, particularly The Gifts of Imperfection something I need reminding of from time to time. Again it’s a book you can read from cover to cover but I tend to dip in and out. It’s purpose is to give us the language to communicate our emotions more clearly and is split into sections such as ‘Places to go When Life is Good’. She defines the emotions and gives examples. One of my favourite quotes is about comparison, something ever present if we use social media and I’ve found it useful when working with younger clients particularly.
Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other – it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out. Comparison says, ‘Be like everyone else, but better.’
She goes into a lot of detail on the emotions she’s researched more, such as shame and vulnerability. I love using it in more long term journal workshops where we make emotion collages in our scrapbooks or try to find our authentic selves. It also gives you quick tips you can act on while being gentle enough not to trigger anxiety. I always find something uplifting in her work.
I read this after buying it in New York’s library during my ‘Year of Forty’. I guess I was on my own happiness project after leaving an abusive relationship and setting up a new home with my dog. My friend’s birthday is ten months before mine and I had some money so we decided to do little treats through the year but two big trips that we’d been saving for. My friend kicked us off with Christmas Afternoon Tea and an evening stay at the Ritz Hotel in London, we saw Kenneth Branagh, Judi Dench and Jessie Buckley in A Winter’s Tale and saw Muse in concert. My choice was a sudden one after seeing Monkey: The Opera was on at Lincoln Centre in New York. We decided to spend a week in New York and as well as the opera we visited all the galleries, Russian Tea Rooms and spent a lot of time lounging in parks people watching, resulting in one of my favourite holiday snaps ever! We also saw a red squirrel eating a bag of crisps and a dog wearing boots.
I was reading this book in the park and I realised this is something I do naturally, but was lucky enough to have the money to really indulge at the time. To be honest money does help, but there are tips here that can be translated into more every day life. There are criticisms that her problems are trivial ones, having a fairly middle class, comfortable life already. I use it as an ideas book rather than being a blueprint that works for everyone. I always ask people to think about those activities when they’re at their most authentic, when you just feel completely yourself with no anxiety. When are you most ‘in the moment’? For me it’s walking my dog, preferably in the woods or on a beach. It’s curled up with my cats, reading a book or watching a favourite film. When I’m baking a cake or cooking for the pleasure of it, rather than the everyday feeling of having to cook for the family. I picked five things that make me happier and I make sure I’m doing them:
- Reading time, on the sofa or in bed with my cats and dog and something to nibble.
- Visiting my family is one of the best things and when we all get together it’s loud and full of laughter. We try to get four generations together a couple of times a year and watching my mum and dad being able to play with their great-grandchildren is the best feeling. I also love when both my stepdaughters are under one roof! With the eldest now living away from home I make sure we have regular calls and visit as often as we can.
- Visiting galleries or museums is one of my favourite things to do but it’s not always easy physically and financially to do the big exhibitions. So I keep my eye on local museums and galleries, free book events and even craft/ art fairs to enjoy other people’s creativity.
- Doing something crafty is really good for me, whether it’s writing, colouring, embroidery or decorating a cake.
- Finally there’s music and comedy. Again gigs are expensive so I have made playlists of live bands I love on YouTube to watch, I also have my favourite Strictly dances on a playlist too. Both lift my spirits. I watch a lot of stand-up comedy. I have music mood lists on Spotify and know which songs are going to kick me out of a mood. I’ve attached it below if you’re interested in listening.
I hope this gives you some tips on being resilient and here’s my happy playlist:
Here’s my strong playlist, sometimes as important as happiness when trying to remain resilient:
