Kindness Is Underrated

What’s the most underrated life skill?

When I met my current husband, after six years of living happily alone, people asked what had made me want to jump back into a relationship. I’d been married to Jerzy for seven years until his death, then fell into a relationship that was abusive and coercive. I’d declared myself done with relationships, moved into my little converted piggery in a dead end village and threw myself into finishing my counselling training, giving authentic self workshops and using meditation as a recovery exercise. I told friends that I didn’t want setting up and I wouldn’t be dating – why would I spend an uncomfortable evening in the presence of someone I might not like when I could be at home watching a film or reading a book while snuggled up with the dog? I made little changes to make life happier: I went to the cinema every week; I walked the dog at least once a day; I went to a meditation class every Tuesday evening. Looking back I can honestly say I’d made myself a really enjoyable life. I was alone but I didn’t feel lonely. When people asked I would say I wasn’t looking for anyone and if I was going to meet someone they would just have to walk in the door. That’s exactly what Kev did. A friend brought him round and as soon as he fell in the door I knew we would get along. Many years ago my friend and I wrote a list of the qualities that were essential in a partner and it still makes me laugh now when we think about her list, which included trainers and teeth. My number one was kindness. I became friends with Kev, but what won me over was his killer smile, his sense of humour, but above all his kindness.

Kev was positively mushy about his daughters and I loved the way he dealt with their arguments. He wouldn’t ask what had happened or who started it, he just told them to give each other a hug till he said stop. They were usually giggling way before he joined in. If he knew I’d been doing paperwork all weekend he would bring round a Sunday dinner, once tipping an entire beef casserole into the footwell of his car when he took the village bends a touch too fast. He said he knew I was his sort of woman when I went inside for a serving spoon and put it all back in the dish, leaving just a couple of centimetres for the dog to finish. He asked me if we were going to eat it and I replied ‘yes, of course we are that’s really good stewing steak’. When we were going back and forth to Scotland visiting his dad who was unwell he made up a ‘kit’ of a hot water bottle, dressing gown, sanitary products and toiletries to keep at his dad’s flat. He would look for bookshops near to fishing grounds so we could both do what we loved on holiday. Eight years on he still brings be breakfast in bed every morning and brings me flowers on payday. He took on my family completely, happy to help with anything they needed. He helped with the electrical wiring on my brother’s camper van, installed a hot tub for my niece and always runs my parents to and from hospitals, picks up prescriptions, helped friends move house and recently took volunteer work with an outreach kitchen that feeds homeless people. His everyday kindnesses made a huge difference in my life and I’m determined to reciprocate the kindness he shows me.

We live in a world where people constantly spout the hashtag #BeKind without following any of its principles. Social media is so full of division and hate I’ve started to ration my time spent on it. I’m so saddened by the things people think it’s okay to say and I’ve felt it strongly over the last two weeks during the return of Strictly Come Dancing. I have found myself reminding people that this is a Saturday night dancing show, it’s entertainment not life and death. The vitriol aimed at the new presenting trio was expected, but I was shocked by how incredibly harsh and personal it was. We had the usual Pete from Texas inexplicably moaning about a same sex dancing couple on a show he wouldn’t have seen. Homophobia was rampant and most definitely politically motivated, coming from people who had feeds filled with anti-vax propaganda, Islamaphobia and Christian nationalism. Happy to use any opportunity to spout hateful views about two women dancing together and Jojo wearing a ‘dress’. I’m impressed by the tenacity of Josh Widdecombe who has been inundated by vicious abuse that went way beyond criticism of his presenting skills. People were asking why a total unknown with no live telly experience had been chosen – actually Josh has been presenting live tv over on Channel 4 since the 2012 Paralympics on The Last Leg. However, on that show he gets to work like a live comedian – chipping in, making off the cuff remarks and vying for the biggest laughs. He is funny in that environment and could easily be funny on Strictly but the strict timings and structure don’t really allow for improv. It was the personal comments that offended me most, judgements about Josh’s looks, voice, laugh and stature. Josh can improve week by week and settle into his new surroundings, the producers could move him to different sections of the production or allow more of that off the cuff comedy within the format. All these things can be changed and worked on. What Josh can’t change is who he is or how he looks and why should he?

I’m not going to repeat insults or show them because why give them column inches? You would think that Strictly fans would realise it was this type of judgement and bullying that contributed to the death of one of its brightest and most talented glitterball winners, Caroline Flack. She had so much to give, way beyond the presenting skills of her day job. Not only could she dance, she had an incredible voice too and I was waiting for her to announce a musical at some point. We must remember that no matter what they earn, how famous they are or how talented and beautiful they are, underneath it all they are a human being just like us. They feel self-doubt, imposter syndrome and will make mistakes. I hope that Josh has the ability to rationalise this as people looking for attention inside an algorithm that rewards negative and controversial content above kindness. I hope he has a support system as strong as I have and can disappear into his family bubble away from the media. We need to remember how to be kind. Don’t comment or argue against the negativity because that is what drives the algorithm and clutters up your feed with even more hateful comments. Instead put out something kind and supportive, that acknowledges what a huge change this is and the bravery it must have taken for the new presenters to accept the role. Each episode will get easier as they settle in and become used to each other’s way of working. Tell them you’re willing them on and then talk about what went well, the characters and the incredible dancing. We must start making time each day to actively be kinder to each other and not just those at home, although I do try to say at least one kind thing each day to Kevin and the girls. If you see someone and think they look amazing tell them so, say the colour suits them or ask where they got it, complimenting their style. Tell someone they’re good at their job. My eldest stepdaughter FaceTimes us once a week and was telling us about a setback at work and we reassured her, admired her approach to the children she works with and the example she gives to them. We told her we’re so proud of what she achieves in a tough job. Kindness can be shown in actions too. We take cake or a serving of pudding to a neighbour on Sundays. The proofs I’ve read and don’t want to keep go to our telephone box book exchange or to the outreach program with my husband. We gather items through autumn to go into Christmas gifts for homeless people and every month, instead of giving a tiny amount to a huge charity we give it to a local cat rescue lady to feed the cats. These small actions make us feel better, happy to be putting something positive into an increasingly negative world. It lifts our mood and allows us to breathe instead of being suffocated by frustration and anger. Kindness is powerful and transformative for you and the other person.