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This book grabbed me early and never let go. When a writer whisks you so convincingly to another time and place its such an incredible skill. I found myself in post-Windrush London where new people are making the capital their home and the huge social change is causing friction. As one mixed race character observes ‘she was no longer the odd one out’ as she went to the market. More people are arriving, wandering the streets, weighed down by layers thrown on haphazardly as the reality of a British winter starts to bite. However, as those first pioneers answered the call from the motherland, they’d found London not at all what they were expecting. The British government had put that call out to its colonies. They needed workers, to replace those men lost in WW2 and to rebuild cities recovering from the Blitz. Yet no one seemed grateful, no one said thank you and the living was far from easy.

We follow two main characters: Lawrie and Evie. They are courting in the old fashioned sense. Lawrie sees in Evie a nice girl, a girl who has been well brought up even though she has never known her father. He wants to do things properly, do right by her. So he calls and they go to the cinema or for a walk. Lawrie has come over from Jamaica and works part time as a musician in a local band and full time as a postman, with a sideline in the odd special black market delivery too. Evie has lived in London her whole life with her mother Agnes. They have been Lawrie’s neighbours ever since a rented room opened up at the house next door. The two women understand prejudice, because they too have been victims of it, and live a life kept very much to themselves. Evie is mixed race and Agnes, who is white, has been the subject of gossip and judgement ever since she Evie was born. So, although what transpires in the book may be shocking to us, it barely surprises them, because they know how people feel about any sort of difference from the white British norm.

The story splits into two time frames approximately one year apart. In one, Lawrie is cutting across Clapham Common at the end of his postal route when he hears a woman shouting. She has found a baby in the pond. Lawrie rushes to help, but they are both too late. The baby becomes the book’s central mystery and because she has black skin, suspicion falls upon the already beleaguered Jamaican community. Rathbone, is the police officer assigned to the case and he relishes causing problems for the community. His suspicions fall on Lawrie, as the first man on the scene, but Rathbone doesn’t just investigate, he sets out to ruin Lawrie’s life. However, there is a secret to this baby’s background that is closer to home than Lawrie imagines.

I found myself rooting for Lawrie and Evie. I wanted them to be able to make marriage plans and live the simple, quiet life they dreamed about. Her mother Agnes has had to be very strong, being an unmarried mother of a mixed race child meant being ostracised. Evie has a childhood memory of her mother having the neighbours for tea when, against her instructions, Evie was caught looking down through the banisters. They never have tea for the neighbours again. It takes Evie several years to make the link; she is the reason her mum has no friends or visitors. This same hostility is now experienced by the men who arrived on the Windrush and it must have been bewildering. To be asked to this country, to fill a shortage of labour and pull a country out of difficulty, then meet nothing but hostility and suspicion from its people seems so unjust.

A lot of the tension in the novel is around sex and relationships. When the band are booked to play a wedding, the British host is immediately taken aback but decides they can play. All is well until a woman stumbles on the dance floor and one of the band rushes to help. Her husband doesn’t appreciate his wife being touched by a black man and a brawl breaks out causing the band to run for their lives. Provocative women, like the character Rose, stir up tension even more. The men refer to her as Rita Hayworth, the red-haired Hollywood bombshell. When the men first arrive she helps with getting them settled. Then she offers to take Lawrie and his friend to the Lido, dazzling them in her bikini and flirting with Lawrie. She makes it very clear that she wants him with no thought to the consequences if her husband finds out. Interracial relationships are simply not accepted. As Agnes points out, her daughter Evie is far better off in a long term relationship with Lawrie, because although they come from very different places, society will view them as the same due to their skin colour.

I felt immersed in this world the author has created. From the cold mornings on Lawrie’s postal round, to the smoky nightclubs the band plays into the early hours. This is my grandparents generation so I could also imagine the homes, the struggle of still being on rations and for the women, trying to look nice on a tight budget. It reminded me of stories my grandma and great- aunts told me about going out dancing in post-war Liverpool. I felt so much for Evie, especiallywhen her whole story unfolded towards the end of the novel. There is a whole cast of interesting characters, but Evie and Lawrie are this novel’s heart and I desperately wanted life to work out for them. Louise Hare has written a vibrant book with an incredible sense of place and time, and interesting characters. I loved it.

Thanks to HQ and NetGalley for this ARC in exchange for an honest review.

If you liked this novel try Andrea Levy’s Small Island, adapted into a TV series by the BBC and now a play at the National Theatre.

About 16 years ago now I had my first experience of trying to live alongside another generation. My then husband and I had to make a decision about where we needed to live for the next stage of life. I had finished my first degree and he had retired with ill health, from a post at The Open University. There was no need to stay in Milton Keynes any more and all my family were in Lincolnshire. My father in law Aleksander wanted to downsize, since he was rattling around in the big family home still. He had decided to spend a proportion of his year with my brother in law and his wife in New Zealand, so he could spend time with the grandchildren, and the rest with us. In Sarah Butler’s novel we meet a couple at a crossroads, working out what to do with the rest of their lives.

Aleks didn’t know his age. He was taken, with his family, from Poland to Siberia during WW2. His father was a cavalry officer, and families of the military were taken away to internment camps there. He never saw his father again, his elder brother died in Siberia, whilst Aleks and his mother escaped and joined a group of escapees in the forest. At the end of the war they walked their way to England via the Middle East, North Africa and the Mediterranean. Aleks was a quiet, stoic man who had endured a lot in his life. I never imagined we would clash as much as we did when living together. He would treat my 40 year old husband like he was a little boy – even coming into our bedroom to kiss him on the forehead! He had a precise routine and it was very difficult to move him from it. He walked to get his paper first thing, did the Sudoku and had a nap in the morning, food times were very important and he was sure I should be home by a certain time if I’d gone out so he could lock up. If a friend popped in to visit we would just settle down with a cuppa and he would pull up a chair and join in. Nothing was private and if something was happening we should do it together as a family. He would also clip amusingly apt newspaper articles and leave them for me – my personal favourite was the one about women with big bottoms living longer.

What I hadn’t realised was that in Poland three generations routinely live together, sometimes in very small apartments and it was normal to know each other’s business. He thought living with us meant being part of everything we did. I didn’t always value what he had to offer and now he’s gone, even though he lived on the other side of the world, I miss him terribly. In missing him I started to understand him. It started me thinking about how we view the older generation in this country. We don’t revere them for their experience or respect their knowledge – as Bet says in this novel we just want them tidied away into a home where we can visit at our convenience once a week then forget about them. If we don’t see the beauty or usefulness in something we tend to tuck it away where it can’t be seen, and this brutal truth extends to people. Getting older isn’t pretty.

Jack and Bet are in their eighties and have lived 44 of their years in Elephant and Castle, London. There’s a bewilderment about them both when they talk about their living situation. They had a house until the 1960s when the council decided on ‘slum clearance’ and built high rise tower blocks. Their flat, high up in the tower block, was full of light with huge windows and a view over the city. They loved their flat. Then forty years on the council decided the tower blocks had to come down. Now they’re in a small flat and their original home is hard for Jack to locate. Every morning, he strolls past the site and gazes through the wire fence at the diggers pulling down walls, revealing glimpses of bedroom wallpaper. It seems almost obscene, this exposure of people’s private spaces. He gazes into the air to see if he can work out where their home was, but there’s only empty air. They are totally displaced. It is while gazing through the fence that he meets Marinela, a twenty something photography student from Romania.

In every marriage there are secrets and Marinela seems to unlock them. Jack invites her to Their 70th wedding anniversary celebration and asks her to take a portrait of his wife. Marinela and Bet strike up a friendship. They seem to share a connection beyond their difference in age. I love how Sarah Butler depicts this friendship as one of equals. Marinela loves being with Bet, and at one point in the novel, at a party, she wishes she was sharing a pot of tea and stories at Bet’s home. Even when Bet gives her a dress, then the flat, there is an exchange of favours. Marinela goes to their home three times a week to clean, help them unpack and prep an evening meal. In return Bet takes her to Islington and shows her a flat, where Marinela can live in return for the work she does. Bet tells her that many years ago, before she and Jack started a family, she had an affair with Kit, an American. This flat was where they used to meet. Bet had the chance to leave Jack and go to America but she stayed. Jack knows about the affair, but when Kit died and left Bet the Islington flat he told her to give it back. Bet was paralysed, not able to see it but not able to return it either, it has simply been sitting empty. Now, finally, it can be of use. Bet is happy with the arrangement she’s made. Jack simply thinks Marinela visits a lot and the help means they can get Tommy, their son, off their back.

Tommy is a hard character to fathom and is equally hard to like at times. From the beginning we can see something missing in the relationship between Bet and her son. He lives alone and we learn that he’s been married twice and is dipping his toe in the water with internet dating. Bet notices he is dying his hair and wearing clothes for a much younger man, than his 60+ years. I felt like Tommy doesn’t see his parents as people in the same way Marinela does. In fact it’s very telling that he assumes Marinela must have an ulterior motive for hanging round his parents – it tells us how little he knows or understands them. He complains about the boxes left packed in the living room, but never offers to help with them, nor is he curious about their contents. His parents and their keepsakes are a treasure trove of stories and advice. Yet, Tommy pops by once a week gently pushing them to have Meals on Wheels, home care or even go into a nursing home. Does he even realise his parents love each other? He hasn’t realised or thought about the implications of most homes having a single occupant per room. What will he do when he finds out about his Mum’s secrets?

Jack is quieter than Bet and very thoughtful. He seems more bewildered by changes than Bet, less able to adapt. He sits between his son and Bet, always trying to keep the peace while usually offending one or both of them at once. However, he’s remarkably wise, especially about long marriages. He makes sure his son knows that Bet was a good wife and that after surviving this long as a couple, her infidelity is merely a blip in a whole lifetime of love. Early on in the novel he points out that if Bet doesn’t seem herself or their relationship seems strained the best thing to do is let it be, invariably things go back to normal. There were times he made me think, not just as a reader, but as a counsellor too. He made me think about our expectations of long term relationships. Yes it’s good to have boundaries, but these days do we draw our line in the sand way too early? Our life partner ( and us) is bound to make mistakes – sometimes really big ones. I remember once surprising a client dealing with infidelity, by pointing out she still had choices. She was grieving for her fairy tale ending and seemed to think the only solution was splitting up. I reminded her that she was allowed to forgive and work together to fix what was broken. As Jack seems to realise, infidelity isn’t always the worst transgression in a marriage.

I enjoyed the way Butler was exploring and commenting on love in the 21st Century. Marinela has left Romania after a bad break up with a married man. In London she has a friend, Harry, a post-graduate student at the university. She comments early on that she likes him but can’t imagine kissing him. Do we put people into labelled boxes or categories too soon? Why can’t we just relax, spend time together and slowly see what develops? Similarly, Tommy seems unsure about being his authentic self on the dating market. Where we can dismiss someone with a quick swipe to the right, what lengths will we go to, to appear younger, fitter and more appealing? Butler uses descriptions of the old couple’s appearance to press home the point that, especially for women, ageing can be hard to accept. Yet whenever he looks at her, Jack sees Bet’s beauty. Bet remembers wearing the green dress and being supremely confident in her young body, not just for the way she looks but for the ease of movement and the knowledge it will always do what she asks of it. As a person with MS I understand this loss of control; a realisation that your body can let you down. I liked the dissonance between the way Tommy sees their lives as all risk, whereas his parents are still surprised when their body fails them. We all remain young in our heads.

As you can probably tell by the amount I’ve written , I really did connect with this book and these characters. Their inner lives are so rich and full, despite their outer lives shrinking to four walls and a list of risk factors. I’m firmly behind Jack and Bet’s wish to remain independent and together, rather than packaged up neatly where they won’t trouble anyone. My heart broke every time Tommy tried to force them into dependence and his treatment of Marinela made me so angry. Somehow, even though the novel is a light, easy read, Butler engaged my emotions and drew me into this story. The link between the couple’s declining health and the decline of their surroundings is beautifully written. Jack and Bet are desperately trying to stay contained, physically and emotionally. If people see that they can’t cope, if social services start poking around, and if Tommy knows about his Mum’s past they will be as broken open and brutally exposed as the old flats and the sad glimpses of life within. If they stay intact, they can’t be separated. This might seem a slight book to some because of its gentleness and leisurely pace but I think that’s deliberate. Like Jack and Bet, the book seems low on action, but all of human life is in these pages. If I come across a client struggling in Tommy’s position, I would recommend they read this book before making decisions or choices on their parent’s behalf. It teaches us to engage with others at a slower pace, to get to know others and to find friends in unlikely places, wherever they’re from and however old they may be.

Thank you to Anne Cater at Random Things Tours for the chance to join the blog tour. Check out the list above for other reader’s responses to the novel.

If you enjoyed this book you might also enjoy:

This is the humorous story of two daughters trying to cope with the marriage of their elderly father Nikolai, to the very highly sexed and much younger Valentina. A brilliant look at being a first and second generation immigrant and the what the combined culture and generation gap does to our relationship. Nikolai sounded so much like my father in law I thought the writer might know him!

Sarah Butler’s debut novel that also touches on themes of age, decline and not judging people on first impressions. Alice returns home just in time to say goodbye to her dying father. Daniel has been homeless for thirty years but has come to view the London streets as his anchor and the inspiration for his art. This novel is about both rootlessness and homecoming.

There are parts of this novel that read like poetry, and totally transport you to the sights and sounds of St Kilda. It took me back to a trip I made to the Farne Islands to visit the breeding puffins. I remembered the way these ungainly little birds wobble as they land, like little clowns with wings. The smell and sight of the birds droppings covering the rocks. The constant bird calls filling the air and whipping away on the wind. The author has an incredible ability to create moments of stillness where all of the reader’s senses are engaged. The sense of place she creates is incredible, and I could see why the islanders feel the landscape is part of them.

Our islander is a young girl called Chrissie and we see the island through her eyes. She is a child when we first meet her and as she experiences this incredible community we build up a picture too. She describes how they survive and in Chrissie’s childhood it is becoming even harder. In the summer the island has tourists, who will buy locally made cloth and other handmade items. The islanders order provisions to be brought by boat, but as tourist numbers diminish, the community has to be more self-sufficient. Island men have a unique and dangerous way of scaling the cliffs for seabirds to cull and use for food. They keep livestock for milk and eggs, but only as long as they can afford to feed them. This scratch living needs numbers of people to carry out the labour, and even in Chrissie’s childhood, young people are starting to leave. They’re looking for work and a better way of life, and they might send money home, but St Kilda needs young, strong bodies to keep going.

The islanders are always interested when the Laird visits and this time, he brings his young son Archie. The laird wants his son to understand the estate he will inherit and he’s left to roam with the children of the island. They take him to all their favourite hiding places, swimming spots and up on the cliffs where they hunt for fulmars. Chrissie is a little bit star struck by Archie. His blond, fair, looks are striking and to a young girl living in poverty he must seem almost fantastical. This visit is on Chrissie’s mind, when years later Archie visits the island again. This time he is undertaking research for university and he brings his friend Fred with him. How will Chrissie feel now that they are both older?

Gifford slips between Chrissie’s childhood and a narrative that takes place in the 1940s. We see Chrissie’s life, now on the mainland, with her daughter Rachel. What happened to bring her away from the St Kilda community? We also hear from Fred, desperately trying to get to Spain after escaping the fate of many soldiers in the Scots regiment s a POW. He has to trust many people along the way, but there is leak in the chain of people willing to help POW’s escape over the Spanish border. When Fred encounters a familiar face, he wonders whether he can trust him, but really has no choice if he wants to get back.

At the centre of the novel is a misunderstanding that left me, as always, mentally pleading with them to talk to each other. I was left feeling I couldn’t trust a particular character involved in this and I was suspicious throughout the whole novel. However, what Gifford does is show us that people are complex and even those with bad character can carry out heroic acts. He most compelling character though is the island of St Kilda in all its rugged and windswept beauty. I think the most heartbreaking part of the novel though is the rift opening up between the St Kildan community and the land they call home. Everything they love about their home is what makes their way of life impossible. Gifford’s words are a poem, an elegy for a dying way of life and the grief of a community torn from their homeland.

#TheLostLightsOfStKilda #RandomThingsTours

@elisabeth04liz @annecater @CorvusBooks

How lovely it is to pick up a new novel from one of my favourite series. It’s like putting on a favourite, worn-in pair of jeans. I love Dr.Ruth Galloway, Cathbad and Nelson like old friends, the type you only see once a year, but when you see them, you can simply pick up where you left off. It only takes a page and I’m immediately back in Norfolk, with big skies and the salt marsh. Dr Ruth Galloway is one of my favourite literary heroines. She’s super intelligent, independent, slightly overweight has hair that never does what it’s supposed to and is possibly sweating – to be honest the physical characteristics could be a description of me on any family photo we have. This is why so many female readers like her – she’s one of us.

In this novel there have been some big changes for Ruth and her daughter Kate. She has moved from her little cottage on the Saltmarsh into Cambridge, where she is teaching in one of the prestigious colleges and living with television presenter, Frank. They seem to have a happy existence, teaching and sharing care of Kate, and taking turns to cook. Even Flint the cat is trying to get used to urban living. These are the last few weeks of term and Frank is pushing for them to take a Mediterranean holiday together. Ruth has just returned from a week’s writing retreat at Grey Walls to finish her current book.

Back in Norfolk, DCI Nelson has just jailed Ivor March for murder and hopes he is going to disclose where more bodies are buried. Two were found at his wife’s Chantal’s home in the garden, covered in his DNA and that of his cat Mother Gabley. However, there are two more women Nelson wants to find. Ivor’s first wife is called Crissy and she just happens to run the artist’s retreat Grey Walls. This could just be a coincidence, but Nelson doesn’t like coincidences. March insists that he will disclose where the bodies are if Ruth takes charge of the excavation. Although Nelson makes it clear that she doesn’t have to say yes, Ruth does feel a certain excitement at being asked. There is also the added attraction of spending time with Nelson.

Matters become even more complicated when Ruth’s old boss, Phil, is attacked when cycling home. The attack is foiled by Cathbad (who else) who magically appears just as Phil has a heart attack. Then thief gets away with his backpack containing his laptop and notes on the first Ivor March excavations. A postcard arrives suggesting that Ruth will do the excavation job better than Phil. Of course, Ruth does make a discovery. Not only does she find the two bodies the team were expecting, but a third woman, buried much earlier. The investigation starts to revolve around the Grey Walls retreat and its previous inhabitants – a small group of artists and writers who had a labyrinthine love life. Nelson is also becoming suspicious of a local cycling group which also hosts some of the ex- Grey Walls inhabitants. He is even more concerned when his daughter joins them.

Griffiths beautifully weaves Norfolk folklore through this mystery. One of the dead women wrote a short story based on the legend of the Lantern Men. The Lantern Men are an explanation for the mysterious lights seen on the Saltmarsh late at night, that appear to help lost travellers but actually lure them to their deaths. Could this legend be the inspiration behind these killings? All the women killed also have the same physical attributes. They are tall, slim and have long blonde hair. During the novel I worried about both Nelson’s and Cathbad’s daughters who fit this profile. Could the killer have a specific type or do they have another target in mind? Even more worrying to Nelson is the realisation that if Ivor March is safely behind bars who is behind the postcard and the latest missing woman?

I loved this particular mystery. It had so many potential murderers I kept flitting from one to the other. I enjoyed how the Norfolk legend inspired local writers and artists. I was also interested in Ruth’s personal story. At a time when she is arguably more settled than ever why does she feel restless? She experiences a panic attack when swimming, but can’t think of a cause. When Phil says he might retire after his heart attack, she realises there will be a head of department post at her old university UNN. Could this possibly lure her back to Norfolk, the wild little cottage and the sea?

I felt lucky to have a whole day to myself so I could read this straight through. I’d been feeling poorly and needed to rest so I got the chance to read it all in one go. This was a great addition to the series and my interest in these characters and their complicated lives shows no sign of waning.

This book surprised me, delighted me and broke my heart. It was not at all what I expected, but was all the more special for that. Cleverly, Serle wrong foots the reader into thinking this is a straight forward boy-girl romance, but it isn’t. It is about love though and our heroine Dannie is sometimes unsure what love looks like. My experience reading this book showed me that I sometimes overlook love, when reading and in my own life. We’re used to reading certain conventions in a love story and have expectations about how that story will unfold. This novel teaches us that sometimes, when we’re looking for that special someone, we don’t notice or fully appreciate the love we already have.

Dannie is a corporate lawyer, living in Manhattan and dating the eminently eligible David. David and Dannie live together after dating for two years. They have done everything according to an unspoken timetable; everything about their relationship is planned and just right. In fact their relationship is so predictable that when David suggests dinner at the Rainbow Room, Dannie knows he’s going to propose. She says yes when he presents the perfect engagement ring, but they don’t plan their wedding. They continue to drift along as they are, until Dannie has the dream.

This vivid dream shows a loft apartment in Dumbo with interior design details such as an art print of an optician’s chart with a witty slogan. It’s nowhere Dannie has imagined living. It’s trendy and edgy. She and David live in Gramercy Park. A perfect location for their work and where they are in life. Yet, the Dumbo apartment feels comfortable. Then a man appears. She’s never met him before but yet there is a connection, something she can’t define. As he moves closer she feels actual electricity. She has never felt this before. Like some huge force compels them to be together. When she wakes, Dannie feels strange. Like she’s questioning everything around her.

She has planned to see her friend Bella. They have been friends since boarding school and are still incredibly close. Bella takes more risks than Dannie and in some ways Dannie sees her as someone who doesn’t finish things. Bella loves art, she lives to travel and has a more bohemian outlook on life. Dannie has a more settled and perhaps, conventional life where work is the priority and her stable relationship with David simply ticks along. Up until now Bella hasn’t had a stable relationship in her life, but she has brought someone important to meet Dannie. When he walks in, Dannie is shocked to see the man from her dream. She panics and decides to do everything she can to stop her dream from coming true. But life can take strange turns and a series of events unfold that she never imagined. They make her rethink everything about how to live life and how to love.

I became so involved with Dannie and Bella’s story that it was hard to put the book down towards the end. The story crept up on me from something very light to an emotional tale about the strength of female friendship. These girls are life partners. Their presence sustains each other in ways that romantic relationships sometimes don’t. Bella’s mother lets slip that she purposely placed her daughter in the same school as Dannie, because she saw them together and could not part them. The very structure of the book teaches the reader something. We learn, at the same time as Dannie, that the happy ending is not always about a man, because love comes in many forms. Also, that loss and love are the same thing. When we grieve it just proves how much we loved. I found myself becoming very emotional towards the end of the book and that rarely happens. I found the writing so truthful and similar to my own experience of grief that I had a lump in my throat. I loved the ending and the fact it wasn’t predictable elevated the book above the ordinary. I will be hugging my friends a little closer and appreciating all the people in my life who love me.

Coming Up For Air follows three people’s stories across three time zones linked by the theme of water. It starts by creating a narrative behind the resuscitation mannequin used across the world. ’Resuscitation Annie’ is based on the death mask cast from a woman found drowned in the Seine in the 1880s. She was never identified. Leipciger creates a beautiful narrative of how this woman might have lived in the period before her death.

We are then moved to the mid 20th Century, and a toy maker who is haunted by loss linked to water. Then from the 1980s to the present day we follow the story of a young woman drowning in her own lungs due to cystic fibrosis. The themes of loss and water weave these three tales together and even the reading process echoes these themes, because the novel inspires reflection and thoughts of our own mortality. It’s a quiet and introspective reading experience. I found myself thinking a lot about my own loss, my husband died of pneumonia and primary progressive MS in 2007 and also drowned in his own lungs. However, my MS is progressing and I wondered about my own life to come and the ways in which I do follow in his footsteps. That sounds like a morbid reflection, but there is a comfort in the shared elements of these experiences one hundred years apart. It made me think of the Jungian collective consciousness and how much of what we know is shared knowledge.

Water is a metaphor for life. We need it to live. We are drawn towards it – think how many visits we make to the sea, riverside attractions and streams. We build cities around rivers and prioritise sea views when we book a special holiday. We find it exhilarating and welcoming in equal measure. I go into warm water in order to soothe pain, to feel weightless and be able to move easier. It’s amazing how something can give us life, but also have the potential to suffocate, submerge and wash us away. It is strange for me to think about that moment when I float gently in the water and feel cushioned and pain free, but then also think that fluid in my own body could kill me.

The characters in the novel illustrate this dichotomy between life being given and taken away. We each make sense of tragedy in our own ways. For one, water takes life away but also takes away the pain and despair she has felt at the loss of love. For another, a macabre invention is a way out of feeling unbearable grief. A girl fights against a terrible disease that’s literally filling her lungs. Every one of these characters is in a fight with life – trying to live as long as possible, to live with unbearable pain, to leave a life they can no longer bear. Our experiences are not isolated from one another, they are all connected. It made me think about the point at which we truly leave this life. Is it when the heart stops beating or is it when there was no one left in this world to remember us.

This novel made me resolve to talk about Jerzy more, even with my new stepdaughters and nephews who didn’t meet him. I tell them he was charming, cheeky and clever. That when you lose someone the love continues. I found this novel moving, reflective and strangely hopeful. Whatever we experience in life, someone else will have been through it. It made me think of E.M.Forster’s Howard’s End and the exhortation to ‘only connect’.

The Dilemma is one of those novels that’s so difficult to review, because I’m constantly trying to work out how much to reveal. If I reveal this thing will it ruin the whole book? If I reveal that, do I have to signal it with a spoiler alert? So, here goes.

The novel revolves around a couple, Livia and Adam, and the 24 hours of her 40th birthday. Livia and Adam married young when she was pregnant with their son. Her parents severe disapproval coloured all her choices on that occasion, even down to the yellow dress she wore. Livia has a lifetime of regret for not celebrating her marriage more. So, little by little, over the years she has squirrelled away money for a 40th birthday party that makes up for the wedding she missed. She wants her special day. The events of the novel all take place around the preparation for the party. Adam has a present to pick up and caterers to supervise. Their son Josh and his friend, Max, have to decorate the garden with lights and balloons. Livia is whisked away by her best friends Kirin and Jess to a spa day.

Of course, as always with these seemingly idyllic units of friends and family, there are secrets. Some of them are benign whereas others are huge omissions that could blow this whole family apart. Adam is keeping a secret from everyone. A few days before the party he has organised for their daughter Marnie to fly in as a birthday surprise. Marnie has been studying in Hong Kong and originally couldn’t make it. However, she has checked on non-direct flights and could travel via Cairo and Amsterdam. Adam hasn’t wanted to pay out for a direct flight because he doesn’t want to be accused of spoiling her. Josh is flying to America to take up an internship and Adam insisted he take the cheapest route. Adam wraps a really large box to hide Marnie till it’s time for Liv to open her presents. Now he’s just waiting for her to arrive.

Livia has no idea that Marnie is coming and at one point actively thinks she might be glad she’s not coming. The problem is that Livia knows something about Marnie that she hasn’t shared with Adam. Before leaving for Hong Kong, Marnie had a miscarriage. She didn’t want to share who the father was, but Liv has noticed a pattern. Josh’s friend Max was going to go out to Hong Kong and visit her, but Marnie called her Mum to ask for help in dissuading him. Since then, Liv has suspected Max and has struggled to act normally with him around. Then something happens and Liv’s whole world turns upside down. She daren’t tell Adam or Josh. This secret will blow their friendship circle wide open. If Adam finds out this secret has been kept from him, he will never forgive her.

By the start of the party, both of them are in a state of anxiety. However, Adam looks dreadful and is telling everyone he has a migraine. Family and friends keep taking him to one side but he’s sticking to his story. Josh thinks its because something went wrong with Livia’s gift. Liv keeps wondering if he has stumbled upon her secret. Yet it’s much worse than that. Earlier that day, Adam has received terrible news that will change them all forever. But he’s clinging to hope. He hopes he’s wrong. He hopes they will remember this celebration for the right reasons. He hopes, that when she finds out, Liv will find it in her heart forgive him.

This book had me on tenterhooks from the beginning. I read it in two bursts, not able to put it down until I’d found out who had done what to who. Each section of the novel is from a different viewpoint, but mainly Liv and Adam. They are a lovely couple and despite parental opposition they battled through the difficult early years and are now at a comfortable point in their relationship. They’ve had their children early and are now free to enjoy each other. Adam has grown up a lot since their early years where he would disappear if things get difficult. How will things change if either of their secrets get out? What will happen as the news ripples out to family and their very close knit circle of friends.

I felt closer to Adam’s character and his dilemma, than Liv’s. I felt confused by her character’s need for the big party for her 40th. I understood the disappointment of not having the wedding you want, but it seemed to take up so much of her headspace. It seems to be about giving herself the approval and value that was lacking from her parents. I would have thought that she would want a vow renewal and make the party about both of them, not just her. A couple of times she mentally notes that her cream party dress could be a wedding dress. I like the way they accept each other’s needs and dreams. He supports her wholeheartedly in the party she wants. She has remembered he always wanted to visit a bridge in France, and organises a trip as a thank you for the party.

Although the subject matter and time scale seem slight, the author has used the special occasion to examine the relationships between all involved. The party has been such a huge part of their lives it gives the author scope to examine the motivations, mistakes and intentions of even the smaller characters like their friends. It made me realise that in long term relationships we become so enmeshed that no one can leave without uprooting the whole group. The author is a master at creating tension between these characters and in the reader. I was reading an ebook so I did my usual trick of rushing madly towards the end. I then felt so disappointed when it did end, because it was far too soon.

In Rachel Marks’s new novel, Jake and Emily meet at anger management class. Jake is there because of the frustration he feels trying to deal with his son Alfie. Jake wants to find a way of dealing with Alfie that works, because at the moment every day feels like a battle. He’s also aware that the stress is having a negative effect on his marriage to Jess. Emily probably looks, to most people, like the stereotypical anger management client. With her shaved head and big boots she’s able to give off an aura that clearly says ‘leave me alone’. She’s quiet, doesn’t share much and the main person in her life seems to be her Nan. Surprisingly, especially to Jake, Alfie is the bridge between them.

I found myself grabbed early on by the character of Alfie. I loved his inner monologues that help us understand his outer behaviour – often more than his parents. I had sympathy for their frustration in not having the insight we had into his thinking. His relationship with Emily works because she doesn’t expect anything of him. Jemma and Jake hold resentment about the child they expected to have and although they love Alfie he represents a lot of grief and pain. They are grieving the child they expected and longed for, because their first experiences of parenthood were very different from anyone else they knew. Their baby son was difficult from the beginning, crying all day and night and seemingly inconsolable. Since then he has found it hard to relate to other children, struggled with instructions and waiting for things to happen. He is very angry and frustrated but his parents can’t understand why.

Jemma has taken Alfie to several doctors but they’ve all dismissed his behaviour, leaving Jake and Jess facing the possibility that Alfie is just naughty and they are bad parents. When Jemma leaves I wasn’t surprised, but I was heartbroken for Alfie who simply has no idea why it is difficult to look after him. I thought the author was brilliant at building tension in the scenes where Jemma and Jake are struggling to cope. To them, Alfie seems to have outbursts of anger where he’s destructive and nothing they say or do seems to break through to him. These scenes are contrasted perfectly with Alfie’s inner world where everything he does is completely natural to him and not designed to cause stress. Where his parents see anger, there’s really distress and confusion. It’s like watching people speaking two completely different languages.

We don’t know why Emily is at anger management or why she has shaved her head, but it’s clear when she meets Alfie that the walls she’s built around herself might be about to come down. Jake has no idea why his son gets along with this spiky woman, who he can’t weigh up at all. Faced with needing to return to work, Jake takes a risk and asks Emily to be Alfie’s nanny. The two form a strong bond and Emily finds ways to make life easier such as using a timer for certain tasks and letting some of the smaller things go, such as his after school biscuit. It’s only by accident that Emily sees a programme about a lesser known autistic spectrum disorder called Pathological Demand Avoidance. People with PDA experience extreme anxiety around everyday demands and use strategies to avoid them. They may seem comfortable socially, but actually mask how they feel and often feel more comfortable in role play or pretence. However, when Emily suggests this to Jake he loses his temper. How can someone who has only known Alfie a few weeks understand what’s going on better than him? He feels like a bad parent, and Emily’s research brings back memories of Jess trying to find something ‘wrong’ with their son.

Despite their initial differences, Jake gets to know Emily and see beyond the exterior. He realises that she has been hurt badly at some point in life and that she’s using strategies like her image and drinking to manage everyday life and keep people at bay. He starts to see her as a friend. Emily is surprised by Jake too. She can see he gets it wrong at times, but that he’s really trying his best to be a good dad. I love the way their ideas about each other change and how their friendship helps them view themselves differently too. Emily allows herself to be vulnerable with Archie and then with Jake too. Will her newfound trust in Jake be rewarded or will he let her down like everyone else in in her life?

I wasn’t surprised to learn that the author had experience with PDA in her own son. She has a great understanding of the condition and her ability to get inside the mind of this troubled and scared little boy and put it on the page shows real empathy and skill as a writer. I found myself hoping for the right outcome for him, more than the adults in the story. I did like that Emily starts to put her own life back together towards the end of the novel. It’s not Jake, or even Alfie that ‘rescues’ her. She allows herself to be vulnerable with the whole anger management group and starts to make plans for a new life. There’s a sense she’ll be okay even if they’re not part of that life. Any choice she makes to stay is made on a strong foundation, rather than out of weakness. This is a really great read that shows the power of vulnerability and sharing our weaknesses. The adults in this book are learning to understand each other, in much the same way as they need to learn Alfie’s social language. I fell in love with this complex and misunderstood little boy and his story helped me to understand autism and PDA a lot better. I also think there’s a broader message to take away from the novel. Emily understands Alfie better because she listens and works within his abilities. In a world where we’re quick to judge, both Alfie and Emily teach us to look a bit closer, approach without bias or making comparisons, and meet people where they are instead of where we think they should be.

#SaturdaysAtNoon

There is always a certain trepidation I feel when reading a book about someone with an illness I know very well. Twelve years ago, my much loved, cheeky, charming and romantic husband chose to refuse treatment for aspiration pneumonia and let nature take its course. He was 42 years old. The strong and athletic body that carried him up and down the rugby field had started to fragment and disintegrate. He’d had primary progressive multiple sclerosis for twenty years. More difficult than providing his care, was the fact that I have relapsing/remitting multiple sclerosis. Was I watching my own fate play out in front of me? Aspiration pneumonia occurs when the swallowing reflex is affected by disease, causing choking and the aspiration of food, drink or even saliva into the lungs causing infection. So, being something of an MS expert, I wondered if this book would affect my emotions strongly or whether the portrayal of the disease would be sugar coated to make it palatable.

Geraghty either knows MS personally or has done her research very well. Our narrator is Terry, a mother of two in that middling age where time seems to be divided between caring for elderly parents and teenage children. She is also worried about her friend Iris, who hasn’t been in touch for a few days. Terry decides to go and look at her house, so grabs the spare key and plans to check in. Her task is complicated when her father’s nursing home calls to say they’re doing work on the building and residents need to move out for a few days. Terry collects her father, Eugene, who has Alzheimer’s, and they make their way to Iris’s house with Dad singing Frank Sinatra in the passenger seat. Inside the house Terry gets a huge surprise. The house is immaculate: bins are emptied, surfaces are spotless and clothes are missing. Then Terry finds an envelope addressed to her and starts reading.

Iris is a strong character, who always wants to live life to the full, despite the limitations of her disease. She uses crutches to get around, but still manages to lead an interesting life. This makes it all the more difficult to comprehend her letter. Iris is taking the ferry to Holyhead on the first leg of her one way journey to Zurich. Iris means to take her own life, while she is still able to make decisions and before life gets too hard. The mobility issues and fatigue are manageable, but Iris dreads the thought of choking and having seen it with my own eyes I can understand the fear she feels. It’s a very difficult decision to curtail life while you are still well and love living it. However, from personal experience, it is harder still to realise you’ve left it too late, that you can’t administer the drugs yourself and are now trapped inside a failing body. Terry is horrified and her immediate thought is to get to Iris and change her mind. So begins an unusual road trip for the two friends and Terry’s dad. Will Terry be able to persuade Iris to give up her plans or will she return to Ireland without her? More importantly, can she stand by while her friend follows through with her plans for ending her life?

I know this sounds like really tough reading, and despite the odd lump in the throat, I found it engaging and very funny in parts. Both of these diseases are heartbreaking for patients and their families. However they can throw up some really funny moments. I remember once feeding my husband tomato soup when he choked and sprayed the soup all over my head until tomato soup was dripping off my fringe. These are often the moments that we treasure and remember. In the same way, some of Eugene’s quirks and experiences are charmingly funny. The two women have a great friendship and it was great to see two interesting, intelligent, middle-aged women at the heart of the story. I loved the way this journey is just as vital for Terry as it is Iris. In a couple of terse phone calls from her husband we can see that Terry lives to keep home running like clockwork for him and their daughters. This may be the first time Terry has ever taken time for herself, to pursue something important to her and place her friendship first. She worries and feels guilt, but she does it anyway, This shows us how much Iris’s friendship means to her. It is also interesting to see that in caring for two people with debilitating conditions in less than ideal circumstances, Terry forgets her own anxieties. Iris’s determination to live whatever life she has left to the full, seems to rub off on Terry.

Iris is a force of nature. I felt a kinship with her, not just because we share an illness but because we have the same fears and concerns. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I am also phobic about choking, which is a P.T.S.D response to watching my husband struggle for breath constantly. For about a year after he died I would wake up suddenly in the night and panic that I hadn’t checked his airway. The other comment that rang true for me was Terry’s observation of how others see Iris and respond to her disability. Iris thinks that people only understand visible disability. This is something people with invisible or varying disabilities know only too well.

I was reading this alongside Anna McPartlin’s Rabbit Hayes sequel ‘Under the Big Blue Sky’ where Rabbit’s love Jonny Faye has MS too. It gave me a stark reminder to keep looking after myself and enjoy all the things I want to do, just in case things get worse. So I booked a trip to Venice. Me and my other half, in a canal room with a balcony for a whole week. It took a while to find my new love and I’d been alone for several years. I understand that isolation is damaging, when you top it off with a life limiting illness it’s even more so. I can see how Iris feels alone when she makes this choice. I think Geraghty writes this with experience and compassion. Terry believes she can make Iris fall in love with life again and luckily that is what my new partner has done for me. He’s popped the sparkle back into my eyes and reminded me of who I am.

Thank you to Random Things Through My Letterbox for the chance to host today’s blog tour. Please check out these other great bloggers.

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